Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
I moved on.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Coworker: I lost my phone.
CW: I don’t know where it is.
M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.