I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
JASON: Oh good, this saves me some time.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart