@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

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@BrettDruck

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

@UnFitz

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

@jordan_stratton

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@Scdavis24

Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.

@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart