@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@marcia_bee

Coworker: I lost my phone.

Me: WHAT?

CW: I don’t know where it is.

M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@KentWGraham

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.