If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.