If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
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why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
The 4 stages of a family vacation
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Ape together strong
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…