If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
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some things should go without saying
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
God tier horse name today on the sims
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!