If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
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*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium