If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
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I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me too 😆
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure