If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Spa day..😅
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
When I laugh on my period
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The struggle is real
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit