If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Never deleting this app.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.