If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden