“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I falcon love using swear birds
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
How does one answer this?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.