“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
a lot to unpack here
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.