“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
3% human
97% stress
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???