If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Wikigenius
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]