Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.