If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.