If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Coffee for people with no kids
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
What do you hear?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!