If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids