Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman