If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends