Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found my next D&D character name

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Ah yes. The three genders

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.