@Lisa_Laughs_

If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.

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@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

@lovemydogduck

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

@SkippyMcGizzard

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.