If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.

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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.


(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW


I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.


Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.


Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”


writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.