The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.
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(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.