Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

New favorite tiktok

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

I saw this ending much differently.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.