If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
fair
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.