If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.