Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

At an art museum and I thought this was art

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Okay me first

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance