Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.