If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
What
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
North and South
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?