If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.