If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.