Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

i’m laughing very hard in real life

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat