If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Canadian owl: Eh?
😆this is so true
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.