If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.