Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

🤣

Ok, but like, how married are you?

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder