‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
channeling her this year
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
😎 🍻
