Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

That earthquake could have been an email.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know