‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many