‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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Who’s your best friend?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.