‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
anyone else like Italian cereal
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice