‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Current mood: Potato
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.