Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!