‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband