‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
What about second breakfast?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off