If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
You Might Also Like
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh