If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You Might Also Like
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.