If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I falcon love using swear birds
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Stop sending me this shit.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again