If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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Yup.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Beware…..
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime