If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Somebody call the cops.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”