If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?