Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.