Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”