Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.