If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Accurate
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.