Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Most Common Source of Electricity

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

don’t message me unless you have this energy

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”