If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
What about second breakfast?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.