If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad