If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.