[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My inexpensive home security system…
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
i was baptized in a car wash
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..