[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.