Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.