Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning