Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.