If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.