If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say