If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
That was easy.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!