Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

brian had himself a morning…

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.