If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.