If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.