Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Meow

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

This meeting could have been a cake

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

I think this cat is broken