If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.