If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Venn
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.