If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
A wise man once said nothing.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN