If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
cats when you pet them too long:
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.