Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?