Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Just how popey was the pope today?

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.